15 Jan 2022
Sometimes I feel like my hands work differently. Some days I can just draw and draw and draw and make all these lovely flowing lines, and other days the thought of drawing at all is just awful, and trying to force it ends up an absolute disaster.
On these days, I suddenly find myself drawn to making other things that don't require such creative use of my hands. Like coding, or writing. Yesterday I spent all day making a python program that would take a simple shorthand and convert it into a html file for this site. It makes it much easier writing blog posts and updating the gallery. On the art days though, the idea of doing any coding at all makes me wanna cry...
It's frustrating because I was in the middle of an art project and now I just...can't do it anymore. And I know I'm gonna start some kind of project in this state and end up having to abandon it when I switch back to the other one. It makes everything take so much longer than it needs to...artwork that should only take a few days end up taking months because I had to take a huge break in the middle. Even though I am productive on most days, it still feels like I never get anything done.
Why am I like this. (Also I've noticed on my "artsy" days I love using cute emojis and on my "thinking" days I hate them...it's so weird.)
12 Jan 2022
I've realised that my mind and body depend on my art. If I have a good art day, I feel happy and refreshed, if I have a bad art day, I feel tired and depressed.
Art improvement is good and all, but I need to pace myself. Forcing myself to try and draw above my skill level is frustrating and leads to bad art days. I've been following some online art classes and it's fun to challenge myself that way, since it's just about learning so it doesn't matter if the final drawings are pretty or not.
But when I come back to personal art, I need to treat it differently. I keep trying to add more detail and realism than I am capable of, and it either looks bad or takes forever.
Also I've finally given up on social media entirely. I was still hanging around Tumblr a bit for MDZS things, but honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the entire world with correct MDZS opinions. Everyone else just keeps posting these god-awful takes and honestly it's exhausting...also the gross ass pro-fujoshi bullshit was getting to me...funny how all these people talk about social justice and yet not a single one of them ever think about asking gay/bi men what we think about it. This is why I normally avoid BL...good riddance.
In other news, kitten!!!
4 Jan 2022
I don't know when, but at some point art stopped being fun and became a chore. Trying to get my imagination onto paper was frustrating, it never looked like I wanted it to. I tried to learn new techniques, and mimic artists that I liked, but it just made it worse. I wanted my drawing to look like theirs, and when it inevitably didn't, I became discouraged. Trying to draw something I deemed as "good" enough became daunting. Even when I was really inspired to do something, I would often not do it, because I would just think about all the frustrating work that would go into it and I would be exhausted before I even started. So I started drawing less and less, growing ever more frustrated and depressed...
For a long time I had no idea why I was stuck. Then I realised that the last time I had really been happy and confidant with my art, and genuinely enjoyed drawing for its own sake, was when I was a child. It was only as I got older and started comparing myself to other artists, and started thinking about what I "should" or "should not" be drawing, that I lost my passion. As a kid I didn't care about any of that. I just drew whatever I wanted to draw, and I didn't care whether or not it was a masterpiece. I didn't care about what other people would think. I just put down everything my brain could think of onto the paper with no filter. And even back then, my art was already quite good. Not because I ever did any study, or used any technique, but simply because I drew every day.
So how do I go back to doing that? How do I stop comparing, how do I stop worrying about if it's good enough? How do I go back to just the simple pleasure of drawing whatever the fuck I want with no holds barred?
It's not easy to find the answer. I came up with the idea of simply drawing one thing every day, it could be anything, and just not care about the result no matter how ugly. Unfortunately, when I tried I just drew ugly things...it wasn't very motivating and I wasn't having fun.
I remembered a while back that I tried doing timed gesture drawing...the results didn't look to bad and I thought, maybe doing art on a time limit might help me loosen up and stop worrying about making everything perfect. So I found some references online and told myself I would try to do some every day. I ended up only managing every other day. While doing this I discovered Glenn Vilppu and went down a massive rabbit hole...
I learned a lot doing this, and learning about gesture definitely improved my art. Especially listening to Glenn Vilppu talking about not copying the model, and drawing from imagination. But doing the timed drawings was honestly kind of stressful, so I probably won't be doing them as often. And even then, I would still get bummed out whenever a figure didn't turn out right.
So what next? Well, I realised that actually...I still wasn't drawing what I really wanted to. I was drawing these random figures for the sake of art improvement...when what I really needed to be doing was drawing what I most wanted. Any kind of study or art improvement should be on the side, for when I feel like it. It should not be the main bulk of my work, or my art will remain work and ner become pleasure.
So the conclusion I came to was that I needed to a) find a style that was quick and easy to do, but also didn't look like crap, and b) I needed to figure out what I actually /wanted/ to draw, and then do that and nothing but that.
Turns out, what I really wanted to draw was...Wei Wuxian. Lots and lots of Wei Wuxian...
As for the style, after a few experiments it just kind of...appeared naturally. I really think doing the gesture study actually helped a lot, because I can already tell that my art is way more fluid than before, and I was able to actually draw things without copying a reference and it still looked good???
And like, I know this is still early days but I'm honestly feeling really optimistic.
I'm having fun again!
23 Dec 2021
I'm so tired.
I can't do anything. My head is heavy and yet light. There is a pressure pushing down on my body. My bones ache.
I hate eating. The thought of having a full meal makes me feel sick. I'm starving but I'm not hungry.
I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I wake up and I'm exhausted, at midday I'm exhausted, at night I'm exhausted. In the day I'm too tired to function, at night I'm too awake to sleep.
I'm barely an adult. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
I hate doctors. Liars and thieves. If you don't fit into their preconceived notions of accepted Diseases and Disorders then you don't exist. Your problems don't exist. You're making it up. It's all in your head.
I have capabilities? I should use them to get a job instead of giving up? What fucking capabilities. I haven't drawn a finished, full-colour piece all year. That side project with the rigged human? Took me YEARS to get there.
If I spend a day drawing, I can't make food. If I make food that day, I can't draw. I'm so tired. It's one or the other, I literally can't do anything else.
This is my PASSION. If I can't even get off my ass to finish something I want to do, how the fuck am I supposed to spend most of my day slaving away at some shit that I hate doing?
I've tried. I tried. It hurt. It was a nightmare. I got home and every day I wasn't "working" I was lying in bed. Not eating, not drawing, not doing anything. What am I supposed to do? Starve? Of fucking course I quit.
I can't work from home, all the intellectual shit requires schools and certificates and writing writing WRITING. I can't. I can't do that shit. Writing reports and essays makes me wanna die. It's just as exhausting as physical labour. It ruins my life just as much.
The "system" is supposed to support me? Fuck off, I don't feel very supported. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard but no one cares. Or they don't even notice I'm trying and they just think I'm lazy. Because I don't complain, or whinge and whine about poor little old me.
Because I'm fucking scared. I can't talk about the shit that bothers me because I'm fucking scared. Even if an employer was willing to accommodate me, how could they when I can't speak up.
I'm so tired. I collapsed outside the kitchen. I was so dizzy and me vision was blurry and I couldn't focus my eyes enough to see anything, and I knew that if I didn't lie down in the next 5 seconds I was gonna end up on the floor whether I wanted to or not. So I stumbled into the next room so I could collapse on the carpet instead of the vinyl...
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be this way. I want it to stop. I'm trying so fucking hard but I don't know what to do. I'm still so young. I don't know what to do.
14 Dec 2021
Just found a huge spider in my room!!! hahaha!!!!
I sure do love being Australian!! :))))))
I am never gonna sleep again...
19 Nov 2021
I am working on making a fully rigged human in Blender! The goal is to have as many possible body types contained in the one model as I can. So far, I can swap between masculine and feminine, which is pretty cool!
The rig itself is mostly done, but the wieght painting as very much a work in progress lmao!
I was inspired by the Universal Human project created by Chris Jones, an absolutely awe-inspiring Blender artist!
It's looking good so far, but the real test will be getting the deformations right...